Just One Yesterday
by As Soft As The Skies
Summary: After recording the message for Sam and Dean, Gabriel writes his farewell to Michael, intending to leave it in a secluded part of the earth where Michael and he used to visit when they were young angels.


**Summary**: After recording the message for Sam and Dean Gabriel writes his farewell to Michael, intending to leave it in a secluded part of the earth where Michael and he used to visit when they were young angels.

**Warnings**: Implied imminent suicide and suicidal tendencies.

Fallout Boy lyrics don't belong to me.

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_If heaven's grief brings hells' rain,_

_Then I'd trade all my tomorrows for just one yesterday. _

_I want to teach you a lesson in the worst kind of way, _

_Still I'd trade all my tomorrows for just one yesterday._

_Fallout Boy – Just One Yesterday_

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Dear Michael,

You may be wondering where I am. More likely you're not. You haven't wondered why I am in a couple of millennia so I don't see why you'd start know. In any case if it does occur to you that my presence is missing from the universe then I guess you should know that it was because I am dead.

You don't have to do much. All my affairs are in order, whatever that means. It's a human thing. Sometimes I think I've been down here too long. Sometimes I don't think it's been long enough. Either way I've told Sam and Dean. I've also told them about the horseman's rings. I considered not telling you about this but you probably know anyway and if this is the last thing I do I should be completely honest. Besides I'm betting you won't even know I'm missing until Luci's safe and sound back in the fires of Hades. Odds are you won't even find this letter. Maybe you will, maybe you'll remember. If you do, thank you I guess.

I'm not sure why I'm writing to you Michael. As I said I haven't seen you in millennia, haven't had your full attention for far longer. And it's fair enough, I know, with Luci throwing a temper tantrum you had your hands full. But you've got to admit we're not exactly close any more, maybe we were once but I don't really remember that far back. I don't remember much since before I ran. I'm not sure if this is because I was just too young to remember anything anyway no matter what the circumstances or whether it's because I don't want to remember. A mix of both more likely than not. I would have you know though I would trade all of my tomorrows for just one of those yesterdays.

I don't often get what I want.

Not even now, not even with the path I've chosen. I can never have that yesterday back when we weren't divided. And now with ancient grudge broken to new mutiny I doubt I'll ever get it back. Luci's too stubborn. So are you. So I've chosen the next best thing.

Luci's going to kill me. He doesn't actually know this yet but he's predictable, as are you Michael. Don't cry or anything. You're not supposed to lie to the dearly departed and we all know that if you could kill any of us to save Lucifer you would. You value him most and that's fine. I value him too and I won't let him die. The Winchester's probably won't come close but they are determined as I've seen humans and they've already tried the colt. They won't give up, not until they find something that works. The whole apocalypse plan was great, Sam and Dean Winchester, Michael and Lucifer in human form, except everyone seemed to forget to factor in that they are every bit as stubborn and pigheaded as you two are (no offense I'm sure).

They'd kill him in the end, they honestly would, because for some reason they care. They care about the planet and the people and in their own way they are about a thousand times better than all of us put together. Just don't ever tell them I said that, not even now I'm dead. We don't want them having anything close to a sense of importance.

So here's the plan: I offer to help kill Lucifer, fail, end up dead and then leave them a note telling them about the horseman's rings. They stop trying to kill Lucifer (if an archangel failed how could they _possibly_ succeed?) and work on locking him away instead. I don't know maybe another couple of millennia down in the box with mellow him a little. You'll have to let me know.

There's no need to thank me. I know you didn't want him dead, I didn't want him dead and I didn't like running any more. It's just convenient.

You're looking disapproving right now.

It's okay really. I haven't been me in years, it's not even like it's your brother dying. I'm not sure who I am anyway but the archangel died when I left heaven.

I'm fine Michael _really_.

Honestly.

This is what I want. Life on earth has been fun, I guess, enlightening, challenging. Painful.

I lied before when I said I didn't remember much. I remember it all, everything. I pretend to forget, it's less painful that way, but I'm as bad at lying to myself as I became good at lying to others. You may think playing a trickster was an odd choice but it was all I needed. I could escape, be someone else, focus on other peoples wrong doings. If I laughed enough at those 'deadly pranks' as I believed they were described in the literature, I could pretend I was okay. I even found a family who were, for the record, every bit as dysfunctional and ridiculous as us. Funny thing was I was still the least even in my adopted family. Still the one who didn't fit in, still the one who had to watch all the fighting while I was completely unable to stop it. That hurt a lot. It was bad enough the first time I couldn't go through it all again.

I'm ashamed to say I ran again. (In my defense the time of the pagans was almost over anyway.) And then I stepped it up, did all I could to fall. The pranks became worse, I caused death after death and laughed the entire time. It was easier to laugh this time, even if my laugh was more manic and hysterical than amused. I never fell, it didn't matter how twisted I became, how many deaths I caused.

I could never really escape from being me.

I could have just killed, done as Luci did and twisted them into demons. That would have been a sure path out. I could have become human and lived and died.

But I couldn't stop being me. The mediator, the one in the middle shouting at the universe, begging everything to stop and reset. The one who could only watch the fighting. Except this time I had power, and while I could have made demons I just ended teaching lessons in the worst kind of way.

It's kind of pathetic really. I can't even rebel properly.

There's still a small part of me that's hoping that maybe, just maybe, this doesn't have to happen. Maybe I can get back my yesterday. Maybe you'll find this letter Michael and you'll know and heaven's grief will bring hell's rain and Luci's fires will dampen and you'll both suddenly realise it's not worth fighting for.

But who am I kidding. I could never stop you both in life and I won't stop you in death. But I can stop Luci being killed, either by you or the Winchesters and that's what I'm doing.

So now you know and I'm not sure what to say. I'll miss you? If all goes to plan I'll be dead and won't be missing anyone. So I guess, I've missed you? I've missed you and Lucifer and Raphael and I've missed yesterday and I've missed it all for thousands of years. So I'll gladly trade my future and my tomorrow for the hope that you may get a yesterday.

Maybe I should have been a poet, not a trickster.

Goodbye Michael.

Gabriel.

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Thanks for reading. Any feedback would be much appreciated.


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